Rainy Days

*Now Playing: My First Kiss- 3OH!3

Quite a rainy day for a Monday, so it only makes it seem more fitting.  The only downside I find in rain is my car leaks, leaving for a very cold ride.  Today was the day, and nobody said a word.  Partially because I crossed my arms most of the time and hesitantly raised my hand in a direction that no one would really see.  Shame on me, I know... But wearing nothing on my arms to expose the entirety of it... that will be a battle in it's own. But I'm thinking tomorrow to not cover my arms while i'm inside.  We are going on a field trip anyway and the people I'll see (other than those from my school) I'll never see again.  So perks?

*Now Playing: The Drug In Me Is You- Falling in Reverse

I feel like a wave of depression coming though... My pain pills look too tempting, my arms don't look covered enough.  It's when I have thoughts like these that I imagine doing more damage to myself.  I usually am able to pull myself out of it though.  It's difficult but of course not impossible.  There are times when I wish I could be the punk rock kid that doesn't care about grades, parents don't care, in a band and vibrant hair styles.  That would be me, if my parents didn't dictate my life and have me wearing a mask 24/7.  As stupid as it may sound... It's something that I can only day dream about.  Music is a huge part of my life.  So is writing, but my parents have basically ruined that now haven't they?

*Now Playing: Check Yes Juliet- We The Kings

Honestly if we are talking about hidden dreams... that would be my life.  A roadie constantly traveling, performing, singing and playing my guitar, seeing the world and expressing myself by doing something I've done since I was 2 years old.  Of course that's not a very reliable option.  My mother will barely let me be a librarian as it is.  So school teacher it is, and my secret emo dream will be just put away for another rainy day- day dream.  I guess I've always been so caught up with what I'm supposed to do, that my dreams don't seem worth fighting for anymore.  It bugs me, but what can I do?  I'm supposed to be the leader, the oldest, smartest and successful one.  I don't want to be known for straight A's and knowing all the answers.  I know there is more substance to me than what they are making me out to be.  But how do I fight against it?  Can I fight against it?  I don't know...

This is why rainy days can be dangerous.  They let me dream, let my mind wander... and when that happens I realize I'm not content. 

-Starr