It's been a couple days since I've last posted. There has been a reason for that. Recently I relapsed and I was too afraid to admit to myself that I had failed. That I was no longer however many months clean, that it was now two days. But something today, several things really... spoke out to me. I know who told me, and he wasn't gonna let this slide. I can't hide from it anymore. And I have to do something with what I've been given. I can't let it go to waste when I could help someone. So no I'm not some hero who has the answer to everything. And I am very far from being perfect... But if there is one thing I can do, I can let you know that you are not alone.
*Now Playing: Tool- Parabol & Parabola
So I guess... I can just start from the beginning. When I was 4, I was sexually abused by a person I had trusted. I then endured many years of abuse thinking their actions happened to every kid and that abuse was normal. They suffered from many different illnesses which was not known at the time. Later they took on the journey of trying to change and fix past mistakes. When I was in the second grade I was in fall soccer. I had been complaining of pain, but we only assumed that it was growing pains. It was until the pain persisted for months that we pushed it at the hospital till they would x-ray me. Something was off with my right hip joint bone, so they immediately had me go to a children's hospital. It was then after MRI's and tests that they found an ABC Blood Tumor attached to my right hip joint that had been hollowing the inside out. It was aggressive so something needed to be done, but because of the location doctors were afraid to operate on the fear that I would bleed out or become paralyzed for the rest of my life. It was at this point that at 9 years old I was told they would have to risk the surgery and that until then I couldn't run, fall, skate, play at all because if I fell on my right side too hard, I could bleed out in less that 4 minutes from the inside out. That was my childhood.
*Now Playing: Angus & Julia Stone- Big Jet Plane
The day I came in for my surgery, the doctor informed us he had just recently been given the permission to try a trial procedure that wasn't a guarantee but was less invasive. We jumped at the chance, but after nothing seemed to really change. I was then making visits constantly to the city to get MRI's and to talk to doctors. I would have a good year, and then an off one. It was the summer after my 8th grade year though, that I was at a church camp called World Changers in Tulsa OH that my pain became more severe. It was then that I began walking with a cane that came from a lady in arizona.
*Now Playing: The Cinematic Orchestra- To Build a Home
More doctor appointments, and I spent the first few days of 8th grade in a wheel chair and then the rest walking with a cane. I was more alone than I had ever felt. I had begun self harming. I wrote poetry, of which I started in the 6th grade. It became dark that year, and eventually I lost the will to write it. After 8th grade things only got worse. I remember falling down my front porch steps after trying not to use my cane and because my parents were away I spent an hour trying to crawl back up to ring the door bell so that someone could phone them for me. I would have many trips to the emergency room. I was then transferred to another hospital for my leg treatment as I began my freshman year. I had my last surgery in that area that fall, and after relearning how to walk on my right leg I could use it again. I was making so much progress that by spring I could officially leave the cane at home. I could take a step away from being the cane girl.
I'll write more tomorrow finishing my story. Those that do happen to come across this and read it, I hope this helps. Thank you...
-Starr
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