Arm Day (Gym)

*Now playing: Logic- 1-800-273-8255

What I don't get is how people are so eager to throw away their lives.  They like jump at the chance to end it all but yet complain that they never get the chance to celebrate what they have.  I can't lie, I have personally jumped at the chance.  The thought still races through my mind time to time.  Lee keeps me here, and my family reminds me I cannot let them down.  But what of me? What in me is worth it to keep going? I'm still trying to find out I guess...

*Now playing: Beartooth- In Between

I went to the gym today, and I walked laps in my hoodie till I realized that working on the equipment with it on would be impossible.  So I worked out without it.  There was only like one other person in there that wasn't my dad, but still... I did it without worry of my arms and just kept going.  I know I will get looks, people will say stuff to me and behind my back... but I am tired of being afraid. It gets warmer and warmer outside, so it was only a matter of time till I would be questioned for always covering my arms.  It's not like it's very discreet either.  It goes from my elbows to each wrist.  Deep dark scars too that easily catch your eye because of how pale I am. 

I don't know if I'm truly ready or not... but it was going to happen either way...

*Now playing: Heart On Fire- Jonathan Clay

Even my music playlist feels just as bipolar right now... To tell the truth, escaping here... my family, these people... everything in me is telling me to bolt but I can't.  I can't leave Lee and he gives me the courage I need to stay.  To face the music, to fight for my life.  So I'm stuck in the same loop for now. Trying to survive my wanting to die.  From how society is now, it seems like almost everyone is in the same boat.  Lets hope we can at least float.

-Starr

Yearning

Starr

*Now playing: People are strange- Lost Boys Soundtrack

Hey, my name is Starr. And I want to be normal.  I want to be apart of something because I don't fit in anywhere.  I'm known as the quiet smart girl, cane girl, and now since my rebellious actions I've been reduced to the kid who's father is a monster.  Why tell you the truth when no one believes it.  It becomes pointless to fightback when you only dig yourself into a bigger whole...

*Now playing: Cry Little Sister- Lost Boys Soundtrack

I can't say i'm done fighting though.  I have a future that I want. I have people to live for.  Lee, and whoever else I may impact in the future. I can't simply give up now because the battle seems to hard.  No matter what fucking rumors people wanna say about me, I give no shits anymore.  I will live how I know best.And I'm gonna make it.  Monday I'm gonna wear a short sleeved shirt and not even bother to hide my scars.  I'm gonna ignore every intake of disgust or look of sympathy.  I need none of them. 

-Starr
~The last star to collapse~

Words

Feathering words... I seek you.  Let me escape into your dark and transpiring worlds... I need to leave this Earthly dwelling and enter a place far vaster than my own.  All that shackles me, let it be released as my weary eyes read.  Let my hands tremble and ache to write, to add more to your beautiful, endless frame.  Print every word from my mind onto your black pages.  Let them soak every heart felt passion of love, anger, and remorse into it's lines.  To seep into the bindings... To leave in place a memory of my existence.  

Black Pages... I entrust to you my words.

-Starr